Babies, babies, babies... When I was younger, I always dreamed of having a large family, ok not HUGE but three or four babies. You see I'm an only child and I adore children, I didn't want my children to be alone so I knew I wanted at least two. When I found out I was pregnant young with Jack, I was shocked but knew I wanted him. Various family members (not close) and friends tried to talk me into an abortion, but for me, back then at least abortion was never something I would consider. To me I was killing that poor innocent child, of course I didn't and I have Jack to tell the tale. I knew one day I would give him a sibling and along came Isla. Again, not planned but she somehow just slotted in.
For me, at this point my family was not yet complete, in the future I hoped to have another child or two. Fast forward a few months and I wasn't feeling myself. Here is a quick note I made...
Today I found out about you, my gentle little bean inside. I've been feeling allsorts for a while now. Generally feeling bloated, I've been eating meals and getting full rather quickly. The past few days I've been feeling nausea throughout the day but especially the morning up until lunch. I've been worrying about my return to work after giving birth to your sister just 9 months ago and convinced myself it was just emotions from this. However symptoms continued and I needed to remove the thought from my head; I mean how could I be pregnant, I'm still breastfeeding your sister on demand, she feeds throughout the night and I'm yet to have a return period. Today I took that all important test, that blue cross appeared. I couldn't believe it, it was just a fluke. I went to the supermarket and brought a digital test and up popped 'Pregnant 3+'. How could this be? Currently I'm the only one who knows about you my special bean. I'm a mixture of emotions right now, I'm sorry for how I'm feeling.
Yes, I discovered yet again I had unexpectedly caught pregnant.
I had all sorts of emotions running through my head for the foreseeable. I considered abortion but those thoughts I had before came running back. I considered carrying on but how would I cope? At this point I was living as a single parent, with an almost 10 month old, and a just turned four year old. I was due to return to work just 11 days from finding out. I'd recently brought my first house so I needed to work and I just couldn't afford another child.
I kept the pregnancy to myself for almost a week, within this time I'd looked at different options and decided abortion was right for me. Despite how I feel about this I knew it was right for me at this point. I booked myself an appointment and then just had to sort childcare as I couldn't take them with me. I looked at various options but had no choice but to tell a couple of people so to sort childcare.
The day came for the appointment, 20th April, I spent the whole morning until the appointment changing my mind in my head, telling myself it was best. When I got along to the clinic, first I had a scan to determine my dates and also a brief counselling about what was involved and my final chance to back out. I knew if I left that day I would never go back again, I would struggle I'm sure of it.
I had hoped for a medical abortion however was told I would be having a surgical abortion, it seemed to be what everyone in there was having.
All of the time I was awaiting my procedure, I still was unsure if I'd made the right decision, deep down I knew it was but there was always that small part of me. It also didn't help I had friends who were trying to conceive and couldn't, they were struggling with infertility and here I was. I was called through to the room, where there were a lot of people, I laid on the bed and before I knew it I was in the recovery room. Of course for the procedure I was put to sleep, in the recovery though the staff were friendly and caring. I was given tea and biscuits and left to come around properly.
Before I knew it I was heading home, I was quiet for the remainder of the day whilst I reflected on what had just happened. I didn't feel in pain or anything which I expected but rested for the remainder. Shortly after we got home the pains began, I was cooped up in bed doubled over in pain. I remember saying 'If I knew this pain would follow I wouldn't of had it done'. Thats the part no one tells you about.
It wasn't long until the pain had passed, the bleeding had stopped and physically I was back to my normal self. Mentally however, I wasn't and in fact I'm still not. Everyday following I would think about it, reflect on it. I was beating myself up about it all, I still kept it to myself. As time passed I think about it less often, just before Christmas I spoke out to some people within a birth group I'm on. I expected them to judge me negatively but they were all there to offer support. I decided I possibly needed some support or some counselling, so I contacted some local places who offered abortion counselling but there were no spaces and I never managed to go.
However, here we are one year on, exactly one year today I turned my world upside down and to me into a mess. I still have mixed emotions about what happened, I still haven't spoken to people and I still struggle daily. It's made me think two children is possibly right for us as a family, I'm lucky to have two healthy and happy children so shouldn't beat myself up.
I hope through writing and sharing my story I can clear my mind a little and possibly help someone who may be feeling the same. It's such a taboo subject which no one likes to talk about - heck even I don't.
I know many people won't agree with the decision I had, and I think when I was younger I wouldn't have but for me it was right at the time.