Wednesday, 27 January 2016
Experiencing Gender Disappointment
I've been meaning to write this post for a while now and keep getting side tracked, although it's not particularly relevant to me currently it once was and is something many experience and feel they cannot talk about.
You may or may not know my pregnancy with Jack was quite of a shock, getting pregnant whilst on contraception is a bit of a shock to the system. However, when I finally got my head around the idea I was excited, I always knew I wanted children and the thought of having the opportunity to grow this little human was amazing. BUT, in my head I was carrying a girl all along just a girl. Both my cousins with children had boys, my friend had just found out she was expecting a boy so surely it was time for a girl. All of my close family and extended family kept telling me it was a girl and that was that. So when my 20 week scan came and I was told I was expecting a boy I was completely devastated. Everything was healthy with baby and foremost that was all that mattered, baby was still alive but deep down there was some disappointment this baby wasn't a girl.
I was mentally prepared for a baby girl, we had chosen a girls name but a boys we couldn't decide on. I'd seen many a cute outfit in the shops to go and buy. I'd seen many cute accessories for the nursery. I wasn't prepared for the mess you know the rhyme 'slug and snails and puppy dog tails, thats what little boys are made of.'
All of the outfits in the shops were pretty for girls, but for boys they weren't. As a girl grew older I could style her hair, with little bunches and little hair bands. Princesses, I would get to play dollies and watch princess films if I had a daughter. However, none of this was actually solid. My boy got dressed in some lovely outfits, after a short while of getting my head around the idea, I began to find outfits in which I liked in fact more outfits than he ever wore. His hair, now I don't have it in bunches or hair bands, but he does have the cutest of curls. As for the princesses he absolutely loves watching princess films, he loves the dolls at nursery and he truly is the most loving little boy ever.
I'm not even sure why I wanted a girl so much, all I can think of is as a girl myself I would know what I was doing with a girl.
Looking back, I think the pressure of everybody around me saying I was having a girl without knowing, and them wanting a girl didn't help. I felt like a failure to those and of course not getting my own way. But this babies gender was already decided, long before I even discovered I was carrying a baby.
Looking at my boy now, I feel awful about the way I felt back during pregnancy how it affected me bonding with him in the womb. I wouldn't change him for the world.